Guys, she knows when you’re lying.

If you’re a married man, this is not news. I don’t mean lying about an affair or watching pornography, or anything disgusting and disturbing like that. I’m referring to telling the truth about the basics.

In Scripture, we read in Numbers 32:23; Be sure your sins will find you out. But as men we don’t always believe that. But women have an innate, God-given ability to detect the delightful aroma of truth, or the onerous stench of falsehood.

Perhaps, gentlemen—the untruth is written on our faces. I suppose it’s possible women can determine miniscule changes in our body temperature or microscopic variations in pupil size. In any event, they know.

The problem comes when they ask us questions like:

• Does this make me look heavy?
• Do you like my tofu casserole that I slaved over all afternoon?
• Did you call your brother like you promised?
• Do you love this movie as much as I do?
• And the very worst question of all: What’s one thing you don’t like about me?

Men, we have learned from our fathers, grandfathers, friends, people who know our friends, any man who has ever met a woman, and priests, to:

• Never insult a woman
• Never comment on her weight
• Never commit to loving a particular movie
• Always call your brother when you promise to
• Above all else, never, ever tell a woman one thing you don’t like about her

So, gentlemen; what are we supposed to do? If we get cornered, how are we to survive?

Fortunately, we are not without hope. There is something you can do today to prevent your demise tomorrow.

Waiting until the doomed-if-you-do, doomed-if-you-don’t questions are asked is stupid. The first thing to remember is; don’t let that happen.

A proactive approach is not only wise; it is Godly, true, and prudent. The key is to be, above all, honest. Like I said—they know.

Here are some pearls:

• Don’t give her the opportunity to ask you if she “looks heavy in this”. Instead, be proactive and tell her how beautiful she is when she tries on a new dress—and notice when she tries on a new dress. Let her catch you staring at her (modestly if you’re not married yet, obscenely if you are) and smile when she notices (modestly if you’re not married yet, obscenely if you are). If you do this right, she won’t ever wonder if you think of her as anything but gorgeous.
• In a loving way, tell her when something she cooks is not your favorite. Chances are, she isn’t thrilled with it either. When Gwen and I were first married I made her a promise. I told her I would never lie about an outfit she wore, a food she prepared, or anything else that required my opinion. Even though I disappointed her at times, she never harbored a grudge or felt like I pretended to like something I didn’t. No girl wants to find out you secretly hated the tiny boots she has been painfully wearing for you for two years because you told her you loved them.
• When you make a promise to call someone or perform a task, do your best to do it. Be diligent so she can trust you. But if you got too busy to do it, something came up, or even if you just forgot, fess up and vow to do better. She will respect you for it, and trust you the next time.
• If you don’t love a movie as much as she does, guess what, men? She already knows. She just wants you to be honest. But you can say something like, “Gilmore Girls is not my favorite show, but I know it’s yours, and I would watch mucous on a doorknob if it meant I could sit next to you for an hour.” She’ll love you for that. Well, be a little more romantic than that, but . . . yeah.
• Now this is important. If you are ever asked, “What is one thing about me you would change if you could”, do not be honest. Do . . . not . . . do it. You don’t have to lie, but this is not the time for a touching moment. If you tell her, you will die. Instead, say something like, “I would have you come into my life sooner so that I could love you longer”, or “I would give you wings so you could be with me all the time.” But do not say anything like, “I would make your eyes green instead of brown cause I love green” or “I wish you were thinner.” When the authorities arrive, they will need body bags to clean up the mess, and not big ones.

Before you start thinking I’m just straight-up crazy, there is something you need to keep in mind; I was extremely happily married for 33 years. We must have been doing something right.

If you still think I don’t know what I’m talking about, go ahead . . . tell her what you would change about her. Go on—give it a try.

Yeah. I didn’t think so.