How do I make him love me like he used to?
Sally sat across the table from us with more desperation in her eyes than sorrow. It wasn’t that she wasn’t sad, but she had cried until she couldn’t anymore.
Unfortunately, Sally is not alone. Many women want to bring more romance to their marriages—but this is a much bigger issue—it’s the difference between survival and the end of the road.
Of course, the answer depends in large part on why he is distant. The approach toward a marriage divided by infidelity is different from that of a couple who becomes a casualty of pornography.
From a practical standpoint, Gwen had a foundation she recommended as first line.
- Be a Godly woman
- First and foremost, a woman cannot be a good wife to a man if she is not a daughter of the King. If this sounds harsh, it comes back to what we have said many times; the marriage between a husband and his wife is the reflection of the relationship between Christ and His bride the Church. A wife must first come before the Lord, surrender to him, and have her heart right with her. Gwen believed that women should strive to be Proverbs 31 women. In that chapter of Scripture, verses 10-31 describe the characteristics of a sought-after wife. Gwen felt pretty strongly about that.
- Let your husband lead
- If you married a born leader and you’re strong-willed, this is a matter of turning over the reigns out of obedience to Christ. I realize that’s a simple answer to a complex question. But that is rarely the issue anyway. The bigger problem is turning over the reigns to a man who:
- Abuses the privilege
- He lords his power over his wife and family, ruling with an iron fist. This is the opposite of the Scriptural definition of a leader.
- Stinks at leading
- He wants to do a good job but just can’t seem to. See HOW TO MAKE OUR HUSBAND AN EFFECTIVE LEADER.
- Doesn’t have a close walk with the Lord
- Encourage him not only to begin this process, but to work with a mentor or accountability group. There are some excellent resources outline on www.challies.com under Leadership in the Home – A Godly Man Leads.
- Would rather let you lead.
- This is such a big deal it is the subject of the next blog HOW TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND AN EFFECTIVE LEADER
- Make sure he knows that you care about his opinions
- Sometimes this is the first step toward teaching him to lead, as we will discuss in the next blog.
- Be interested in what he is doing even if it’s hard work
- Surprisingly, some men can be boring. It may be the work that’s boring, or the hobbies that are boring, or his personality that’s boring. But it’s important for him that you care anyway—especially if he knows he’s boring to you. When I would come home late each night, Gwen would want to hear about my day, no matter how mundane it may have been. If I couldn’t think of anything noteworthy to tell her, she would ask me questions to draw me out. The end result was that I felt like she cared. For her, the end result was that it made her care.
- Let him know you care what he thinks of you
- That means you value his opinions when you ask for them. It may seem a simple thing, but when you ask his opinion, be willing to accept his answer. If he says he likes the blue dress and you wear the red one instead, you might be amazed at how something that minor matters to him. Otherwise the next time you ask his opinion, he knows it really doesn’t matter what he thinks, you’re going to do what you want to. Stupid? Maybe it is—but it’s true.
I believe with all my heart that courting should never stop in a marriage. It should build and build as the two of you grow closer each day. That means that you care about your appearance and your health, and you let him pursue you every single day of your life.
It’s interesting how Christ’s relationship with his bride is so much like man’s with his.